Torture Part 1 on Monday's post)
...When I finally decide on a little—I use this word loosely—number
that is so busy with sunflowers and hummingbirds that I hope will distract eyes
from the flesh bulging out of it, I rush to the checkout counter and pay cash,
so the checker doesn’t have time to see what size it is.
In the car, I grab my wee scissors from the emergency sewing
kit and snip out the label, and then swallow it with a large gulp of diet ice
tea. No sense in having it flutter out of the trash bag and let the world in on
my dark secret. I can handle the indigestion that results from label eating; I
can’t face knowing there’s evidence of my swimsuit size somewhere on the
planet.
Now I’m prepared for the next time a friend calls, inviting
us over to swim. “Let’s go,” I holler to my honey, “we’ll be late for the
party!” He comes down the hall wearing the same suit he’s had for twenty-five
years, which took him thirty seconds to pick out, try on, and purchase. Makes
me sicker than when I swallowed the label.
His eyebrows raise as he points to me. “Aren’t you going to
wear your new bathing suit, honey? You spent all day and half a paycheck on it!”
I huff like I always do when he’s clueless about female
logic. “I have it on, silly, under these old shorts and t-shirt, which won’t be
ruined by the chlorine in the pool. No way can I let people see me in it! Now, let’s go…”
To help take away some of the sting of shopping for a swimsuit, I am guest posting on novelist Katie Ganshert's blog today, where I'll be giving away another copy of Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top! I hope you'll join me...
Hahahaaaa! That's funny!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteHilarious! I so empathize with the part about the twenty-five year old swimsuit. I think that my husband's suit is coming upon that milestone, but I was there when he chose it--15 seconds flat!! Not Fair.
ReplyDeleteI know, Ava, it isn't fair!
DeleteHee-Sterical! I've worn my ratty old t-shirt way too many times to count. Not this year though. I'm putting on my big-girl panties and being brave. For now anyway, mostly because it's cool and windy and there's no chance of going swimming today. ;-)
ReplyDelete~FringeGirl
You made me laugh out loud. Love it. By the way, I think that red spotted suit is adorable. Now if they just had that in my size for $40 or so at a store near me, I'd get it.
ReplyDeleteNancy: After I put it up on the blog, I thought, "wait, I said my suit was full of hummingbirds, not polka dots!" Oh well.
DeleteThanks for laughing!
Seems like a reasonable solution. Next time I must wear a swimsuit I may do exactly the same thing. Chlorine can indeed mess with a perfectly good suit. :)
ReplyDelete