Tuesday, September 26, 2017

How to Re-Purpose Grossly Green Mouthwash

From Grossly Green to Sparkling Clean

     When my husband bought the monster size of Grossly Green mouthwash, I wondered if we’d live long enough to finish it. Or die trying. Whoever invented this stuff either has taste buds of steel, or they hope that their least favorite politicians will buy a case and gag to death. 
     Each time I used some was an excuse to chase it with an ice cream cone or a candy bar. But that only worked for two weeks. It’s not worth a new wardrobe two sizes bigger just to have lovely breath. 
     We can’t throw it out; we’ve invested half a week’s salary in it. Those economy sizes require the money with unknown president’s faces on them.  We could pour it into fancy bottles and give it as Christmas gifts. But our friends may reciprocate next year.
     I discovered the solution to our dilemma while preparing for church one morning in the bathroom. I noticed a ring in the toilet, and rummaged for some bowl cleanser. All I saw under the sink was half a bottle of Grossly Green. Aha. No self-respecting toilet will dare stay dirty after a few swishes of this chartreuse poison. 
     My husband may wonder why it’s disappearing so fast. I’m sure he was expecting it to last a decade. If he asks, I’ll just point to our sparkling, whimpering toilet and tell him that his bargain of the century works better as a bowl cleaner than a mouthwash. 
     Do you sometimes feel that you missed your calling, and chose a wrong path? You don’t need to live in regret. Just put your life in God’s hands. In spite of poor decisions, He can give you a fresh start to do something significant with your life. Not to shine toilets, necessarily, but to shine for Him. 
The above story is a sample chapter from my second book THE HEART OF HUMOR
Have you re-purposed something gross? Do tell!

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Why You Should Never, never, never give up!

Ever feel like you’ll run out of time before you accomplish all your dreams and plans? Before you give up, you may want to read these stats:
  • Colonel Harland Sanders was 65 when he launched his Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise business;
  • Grandma Moses was 78 when she began oil painting;
  • Laura Ingalls Wilder was 65 when she started writing her Little House on the Prairie series;
  • And Myrrha Stanford-Smith, an 82-year-old teacher, landed a 3-book deal for her fictional accounts of William Shakespeare. Read about it here.
Makes you want to go out and skip some rope, doesn’t it?

Please don't give up on your dreams.

God hasn't.

Follow Him; He'll lead you to the fulfillment of all your dreams,
and more. 
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).  
What dreams are you holding in your heart today? 

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Bathing a Cat and Other Silly Home Remedies

Just Try Bathing a Cat!

When I moved from Los Angeles to rural Illinois eighteen years ago, I learned about some home remedies I'd never heard of before:

If someone in your family is allergic to cat dander and you adopt a stray kitten, you can alleviate the dander by bathing the cat in distilled water. Have you ever tried to bathe a cat, especially a stray? How did that work out for you?

Really? I can make my cookies at home?

When baking several different kinds of cookies, first bake those calling for lower temperatures, then work up to the highest setting. You mean a person can bake their own cookies? The little elves don't bake them during the night, then put them on the shelves in the store before the sun comes up? Aha.

If you get a splinter, put a bit of bacon on it to draw it out. This might have worked fine if the splinter I acquired hadn't gone in at an angle, and if I didn't work at the front desk of a bank, where customers thought we had added to our "Super Extra Checking" by making breakfast for them!

Do you employ home remedies? What is your favorite from the list above, or one of your own?

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Have You Noticed This Shrinking Trend?

Drawing copyright 2013 Ron Levellie
While eating baby-back ribs recently, I noticed how dinner napkins are shrinking. It’s bad enough that manufacturers inject air into the napkins to make them appear plump. Now they’re decreasing their size. One used to cover my whole lap; these days it barely fits on the top third of a thigh.

Candy bars have also been shrinking with the times. Years ago, it took me five bites to eat my Gooey-Wooey bar. Today I have to get out Grandma’s magnifying glass to gaze at its loveliness before I down it in two nibbles.

And have you been as shocked as I have how ice-cream containers dwindled overnight, from half a gallon to one and a half quarts? We used to serve ice cream with our birthday cakes. Nowadays we simply wave the carton over each plate as a sweet remembrance of more generous times.

Coffee-can shrinkage is another travesty. Remember when you bought coffee by the pound? These days it comes in 12 or 13 oz. packages, for the same price as before. Soon they’ll be selling it by the cup and charging $3.50 a slurp. Oh, they’re already doing that.

TV shows take up only forty-five minutes instead of fifty-two. Today’s cars are the size of my grandson’s scooter. Even Band-Aids barely cover a boo-boo anymore.

I’m so relieved that Jesus’ love never shrinks or diminishes in strength. Jesus stays the same year after year, century after century, forever—even if my favorite pants shrink to the size of a dinner napkin.
©      From My Heart to Yours: Although I tend to base the worth of an item on its size, that doesn’t matter when it comes to problems. God is bigger than any or all of them. Next time one threatens to steal my joy, I need to remind myself of the huge, powerful hand of my Father.

The above is a chapter from my humor/inspirational book, The Heart of Humor, available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble

Are you bugged by this shrinking trend? What large items do you miss the most? 

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

When You Need Physical Healing

All of us need physical healing from time to time. Here is a prayer for you if you're going through a time of sickness:

Father, we know that Jesus was Your will personified on the earth, that He acted only upon what He saw You do and as You directed Him. Because He went about doing good and healing all who came to Him, I believe it is Your will to heal, and that You have not quit healing those who come to You in His name. 

My sister is sick in her body and needs the healing that only You can give. We need divine intervention, the kind of stretching forth of Your hand of grace that You delight in, the kind that brings glory to Your name and seekers to Your feet.

Re-create what is broken or malfunctioning in my friend, please Lord. Restore her to the original design You intended when You knit her in her mother’s womb and when You planned every good day for her before the world came into being, before sin scarred us with maladies.
If sin has snuck into a corner of her heart and conceals itself there, shine Your brightest sun to illumine every hidden snake clothed in dove’s garments. Grant her repentance and joyful obedience so he can once again dance in Your embrace, free of hidden guilt.

Strengthen her faith in her inner being, where she rests deep in Your love, where she knows beyond her understanding that You want her well, that You are against disease and pain. Help her reach out to You and believe that You not only can heal her, but that You also want to heal her. Yes, her. For she is precious to You.

May she not die but live to tell of Your mighty works. May her health be a salt bowl, causing others to thirst for the water of life that is You—always creating, giving, loving, healing.

In Jesus’ name, so be it.

References to Scripture: John 5:19; Acts 10:38; John 9:3; Psalm 139:15–16; Jeremiah 29:11; Ephesians 3:16–17; Psalm 118:17

The above prayer is a chapter in my fourth book, Touchable God: Finding the Lord's Friendship Through Prayer.  It contains 20 stories of my own journey in prayer and 25 prayers for friends in crisis.